Connecting With All the People In Your Life

Read Chapters 3 - 8 and experiment with the ones that stand out for you.

Skip The Way In and Chapters 1-3 if you have already pondered on these.

 

Connecting to All the People in your Life

 

The Way In

All of us are limited in our relationships by boundaries that we drew at some time in the past. In effect, we drew a line that said, "I’ll talk to you about surface things, but I will keep the light and love of my soul, my true self, safely hidden. We set up these boundaries long ago to protect ourselves from being hurt—or misunderstood. But, sooner or later, the limits that seemed to protect us also isolate us from developing deeply satisfying relationships — from really connecting. Fortunately, if we've put up fences, we can learn to cut gates in them; if we have built walls, we can add doors. Through these openings we can find the way in.

The effect of a soul to soul connection is an expanded awareness of yourself, of your life, and its vast potential. We see ourselves and our lives from a different perspective. When we connect as the soul with the soul of another person-or even with ourselves-we are profoundly enriched on every level.

In this book you will learn how to form new connections in which you feel truly loved and understood. You will learn to transform unsatisfying relationships into joyous and enriching ones. This book offers you new, pure colors to choose from, different patters to weave; you will learn how to unravel patterns that are already set, and to reweave them according to a new vision of who you are.

A gifted psychologist once told me that what amazed him the most, after years as a therapist, was how little most people ask for. I have written this book for those of you who want more, who seek to create deeply satisfying connections and to enjoy the vitality they bring to your life. 

True connections with others are gifts of giving and receiving. To make real connections with others, and use our full receptive capacity to see the gifts another may seek to bring us, we need to see from the eyes of the soul and become receptive to its illumination, pure love, and will. The connections that energize, even inspire.

At some point in our lives we realize that handling everyday tasks, conflicts, and challenges are using too much of our time. We want great relationships, yet the habit of “longing for” delays the right action.

It always appears that the other person needs to make changes, such as becoming a good listener, a grateful friend, a cooperating partner. That may be true, yet the place to begin is with ourselves.

Our first step is to bring together the separate parts of our personality into one unit with the mind prevailing over our emotions, our body and brain. Next, we build a bridge made of light to connect our personality with the soul or the higher mind. Once the brighter, finer love of the soul streams to us, a beautiful and mutually fulfilling connection can happen. Best friend, father, daughter, partner – virtually every important person to your life responds in some way to this energy, with words or without words. The immediate change is inner peace, a state of pleasant calm serenity. Happiness naturally follows as you bring in the healing love of the soul. This is the place that true connections can happen.

Each relationship is unique; it has a life of its own. Each person we truly care about brings in a new color and a new note that enriches everyone in our connected group. This rainbow of colors and the notes of each soul will create a symphony of power and beauty in our lives. We are profoundly enriched by every true connection we create.

Even when we observe family relationships — mother, father, children, siblings, we can imagine how much strength and harmony could develop with divine understanding woven into them. All it takes is the conscious decision and the clear intention to harmonize the interactive connecting patterns of those who are important in our lives.

 

WHAT IS A TRUE CONNECTION?

Great connections do not happen by accident or fate; neither do they take hard work or a long time to develop. To make a soul connection with another person, you imagine the soul of this person shining from his head center. Sometimes you can see the light around or over his head.

Let his physical form fade out and focus upon the light and/or color of the soul overshadowing him. Then realize that the soul is already connected, and only appears to be separate in both of you. Your soul, his soul, others’ souls, are actually one essence substance.

If you feel drained, obligated to, smothered, or possessed by another person, you're missing a true connection. When you really connect, you'll know immediately. Think of someone who recognizes and appreciates your innate value, yet asks nothing from you save to enjoy the pleasure of your company. This feeling of mutual appreciation, of caring and compassion, indicates a true connection.

Recall a moment in your childhood when you experienced an indescribable feeling of joy, your aliveness, or you were overwhelmed with wonder at the power of the ocean or the vastness of the universe. Think of the warmth you received from a special friendship, or a moment in which you were so close to another person that you needed no words to communicate. Perhaps you can even remember a time when you were so quiet that you could hear the voice of your higher intuition. This book will show you how to translate those feelings and experiences into a new approach to your relationships that you can put to use immediately.

It is only through making more profound connections that you discover your innate spiritual qualities and recognize a larger sense of who you are. Two kinds of connections—those with others and with yourself as a soul-can help you to experience more clearly your own beauty, love, and power. In the first, you see your finest qualities reflected in someone else, almost as if the other person were a mirror. You can learn how to see your inner wisdom and love-not only in intimate and enduring relationships, but in the eyes of a child, the smile of the checker at the supermarket, the voice of a waiter, the sound of a companion's laughter, the kindness of a stranger.

The second kind of connection-with your higher self or soul-is the source of joy, love, wisdom, and power. You can link with this finer light within yourself by sitting in utter silence and creating a bridge of light to the soul. It is a master in its own right. As your bridge is strengthened and extended, you become sensitive to the whisper of the soul passing its wisdom, love and power on to you. Gradually, your personality respects the finer light of the soul and willingly surrenders to this light within your being.

We have all experienced the feeling that there is more than one of us running around in our consciousness. If it is a beautiful summer day, our child-self may want to play while our critical self says that we must go back to work. Yet by asking our wise, inner consultant we realize that we can do both—work now and then enjoy a delightful lunch basking in the sun near the pine trees. Your inner consultant always responds to your questions; it beckons you to open the door and set an intention to lift, encourage, and to bring their soul color and note into your aura. This consultant whispers softly in your ear, even when its voice was drowned out by the noise of your busy mind.

In the chapters that follow you will learn to recognize and harmonize all the parts of your personality. Each one is an integral part of your personality; it wants to help you. Think of these sub-personalities as actors inventing their own scripts as they go along, without a sense of the plot or purpose of the play. The first step is to assign each sub-personality a role to play, to befriend it, and show it your life purpose.

To gain a stable connection with the soul, acknowledge that you want to live from the love, the joy, and the wisdom of the soul/self. Set up a regular time and place to be with this self each day. A half hour in the morning and a few minutes to reconnect at noon and in the evening is recommended.  Your intention to strengthen this connection, to use its wisdom, love, and guidance, is recognized by the soul. Your requests will be heard, and they will be answered, even if you see or hear nothing unusual.

If you believe it takes tremendous effort, the ease of opening the protective web that has separated these two aspects of your being, may surprise you. The process is so simple that you may think you are making it up. But when your mind is still and willing to receive, the static of daily life clears out. Then you can tune to the channel that your higher self uses to communicate with you.

 

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

 

This book is designed to be read slowly, a chapter a day. If you wish to read the book straight through to get an overall sense of it's spirit, do so. Then, to derive full benefit, concentrate on one chapter each day, or even one a week. Absorb the material and take the suggested steps. New ways of seeing and acting that at first require your conscious attention will become part of your everyday life. 

This book is arranged in eight sections to take you through a natural progression. In the first two sections, you will practice opening, expanding, centering, and integrating to prepare you for acting from intention. The next three sections guide you through speaking and listening with integrity, enjoying freedom and abundance, and connecting with compassion. The last two sections explain how you can learn to trust your true self and honor the true self of others. Each chapter title is in two parts. First is the separating personality trait, how we limit relationships (e.g., Beyond Holding a Fixed Position). This is followed by the connecting path of the soul, which enables you to make true connections with people in your life (e.g., Increasing Flexibility).

Although a great deal of study in the ageless wisdom, research, academic degrees, and experience lies behind the information in this book, I have not cluttered the text with academic references or quotations. The validity of the ideas in this book exists not in what someone else said, but in how you apply these principles to your own life. I invite you to seek the authority of your higher self rather than that of outside experts. When a suggestion rings true, your inner wisdom has been tapped. Listen carefully.

 

HOW TO DO THE EXERCISES

Each chapter calls upon activating your finest assets-many unused and forgotten-as well as your creative imagination. The chapters encourage you to take fears by the hand, as if they were a little brother or sister, and show them your life vision. The steps at the end of each chapter are carefully laid out so you can complete them in a few minutes. They offer you practice in applying the ideas you have just read. At the same time they assist you to expand your vision of connecting with loving wisdom, and expressing this in relationships. Prepare to receive the full benefit of the exercises by sitting quietly for a few minutes and allowing yourself to relax fully before you begin. Your receptivity opens the door to discovery.

As you go through the steps, you may occasionally feel uncomfortable or resistant. Don't be discouraged. This feeling is temporary and does not imply a lack of awareness on your part. Discomfort is often the step just before success. Remember that you are unraveling the patters of a lifetime. Have faith in your vision of how much is possible and in the spirit of this book, and you will keep moving forward.  Every now and then an idea or step that seems more difficult will challenge you. The promised apple may seem to be hanging from too high a branch. But as soon as you stretch a little for it, you will be nourished by fruit well worth the effort-and you may be surprised to find how far you can reach. As you read and practice the exercises at the end of each chapter, you may want to capture additional thoughts and write your insights. Include your new vision of a life with great connections that inspire you and others. Include the action that you take, and the results. In this way you can see clearly the new patterns as you create them. What looks like change to others will seem to you like the natural way to be. This is your way in. Now you are ready to begin your journey. Make an appointment with yourself, free of distractions. Let this be your time, each day, to build wise and joyful connections from heart and soul.

 

 

CHAPTER 1

Beyond Present Boundaries: Opening New Territory

Since birth each of us has opened up a great deal of territory by meeting and connecting with others. We know many people, some as family and intimates, some as friends, and others as coworkers or casual acquaintances. By this time in our lives, we have each developed familiar patterns in the way we relate to others. Much of what we say and do seems so natural that we don't even notice it. But in every relationship, whether we are aware of it or not, we establish boundaries through the way we think, act, and respond.

Our boundaries keep us safe, and protect our identities as separate people, but in certain situations they hold us back. In an intimate relationship, for example, a man may establish what he hopes is a safe boundary by limiting how much of his feelings and hopes he is willing to share. But by insulating himself from possible rejection, he is also keeping the relationship from opening up and expanding. Even when we think we are being open, we can set limits in a subtle way. For example, if a woman is very generous with her time and energy, that pattern of generosity can become a boundary that closes her in and prevents her from having needed time alone.

Remember, in connecting with people, the boundaries are set not by surveyors but solely by you. Any time you feel dissatisfied with a relationship, it is a signal that you are ready to open new territory-in the way you speak and listen and the way you perceive yourself when you are with others. It may be a signal that you are ready to understand other people in a new way. Rather than disregarding your vague disappointment, try thinking of it as a hand tapping you on the shoulder, awakening you to new possibilities.

Imagine you are entering a forest with the freedom to explore in whatever direction you desire. Before you enter, stop and consciously choose your path. Before you lie various paths-paths of joy and of compassion, of wisdom and of harmony. Be guided by your sincere desire to bridge feelings of separation from others or feelings of isolation when alone or in a crowd. As you walk, notice moments when your spirit lifts. Those moments are your assurance that you are on the path toward fulfillment.

Connecting deeply with yourself and with others is your birthright. You have only to claim it. All the paths in life's forest are connected. So long as you walk with deliberate and free choice toward compassionate connections, you will never get lost. If you get distracted, pause until you regain an inner sense of the right path to choose. Then turn in that direction and begin again. As you consciously choose each day which path of relating to others brings mutual delight, you will find that interacting with others is far more satisfying and your time alone profoundly rewarding. 

Think of a specific relationship you have now. Imagine how it might be better if it moved beyond its present boundaries. Imagine allowing yourself to step past old patterns of familiar interactions and experimenting with a new path the next time you are together.

1.       Spend 5 minutes thinking of ways you might think, feel, speak, and act differently in this relationship. Be prepared to discover new ways of connecting.

2.       Begin a journal of your new connections by describing the path you have chosen. How do you feel when you walk on it? Does it have a name (e.g., "Openness," "Delight")? Describe the effect of trying out your new ideas.

3.       Keep this journal as you progress. You can refer back to your favorite results, and remind yourself how far you've come.

 

 

Chapter 2

Beyond Practicality: Daring to Invent

Doing things the same way every time may save time and energy. Yet if you think of something you'd love to do and share with someone else, yet hear yourself saying, "I would really enjoy that, but it's just not practical," stop and listen within. A new idea may come to you. Once we decide to invent more possibilities, they inevitably appear.

Virtually everything we think and feel can be seen as merely an opinion held together by positive or negative emotions. Most of us prefer to be with an inventive friend who inspires us rather than a practical one who repeats the past and holds us there in conversation. Those who practice inventing new ways to get to work, to prepare breakfast, to use their time creatively, discover joy at their side. From the moment of awakening each morning, say to yourself, “I am free to  invent new ways to relate to life today!” Inventive people are creative, and enjoy experimenting with enriching their mind and expanding their hearts as they express themselves with others.

An inquiring spirit can invoke the light that brings dreams into reality. Why not teach your inventive and practical sides to work together? They will facilitate true connections with special people in your life.

If a relationship truly has value to you, dare to experiment with new ways to enrich your time together. Invent special points of contact -a moment to encourage, of offering the warmth of eye-to-eye contact, or playfulness. Inventiveness appears when one is willing to see a situation or person in a finer light — swinging together in the park, lying on the grass, walking barefoot in the sand. Throwing a large ball back and forth can be fun; throwing it while treading water in a pool opens to laughter; the sense of competition disappears completely.

If you think of yourself as a person of amazing ingenuity, occasions will appear that give you the chance to prove it. Why not extend your life visions past the usual desires with an inventive mind and sustain them through practicality.

The more you stretch your imagination in small ways, the more creative you become in major life areas. Think of occasions when you used ingenuity to put together a quick, sumptuous meal out of leftovers. Create a delightful "vacation" for mind and body without leaving home. Everyone has a far greater capacity than he has ever imagined to recognize new ways of being with others.

Want to experience this brighter creative side of yourself? Simply open the door that holds you in past familiar and comfortable (even if uninspired) ways of connecting. This door is locked only from within and it opens to delightful surprises.

Most intriguing of all, when you step into greater light, humor lights up situations that once were annoying, the illusion of being obligated to others fades away, the acceptance of true responsibilities is pleasing, and joy dances over your head. Activating an inventive spirit is exhilarating. Friends may suddenly seem much more interesting, refreshing and revitalizing to be with. Such enlivened relationships feel like stepping into the sunlight after a day of rain.

1.       In 3 minutes or less, tell a friend your life story-but tell it from the viewpoint that you have always been amazingly creative and full of ingenuity. Choose events that support this idea, and recount them with delight in the fact that you were and are an inventive person. While you speak, your partner agrees to give you eye contact and remain silent with a straight face, no nodding, frowning, or smiling. All feedback from your partner would manipulate your story while you are speaking. Then let your friend describe his natural creativity and ingenuity in the same way. After this game, share your impressions and thoughts as speaker and as listener. New memories may bubble up for the next few days, validating the fact that you are an unusually inventive person.

2.       Choose an area of a relationship (e.g. sharing meals together) that could use revitalizing, and think up unusual, even outrageous new ways to enliven it. Select the best of your ideas, refine them, and put your whole self into carrying them out.

3.       When you have achieved success in one area, use your ingenuity in another. Your personal or professional situation, your leisure time-every area if your life can be transformed when you apply inventiveness to it.

 

Chapter 3

Beyond Expectation: Accepting Surprises

When we decide we want something, and then hope someone will give it to us, we create an expectation. We begin with what seems like a pleasant idea. As we play with the idea, we pour more energy into it until it becomes a belief. Soon we may feel we are entitled to what we want-happiness, approval, more appreciation, security-and that a particular person should provide it. Once we begin to feed this belief, it soon seems like a fact rather than merely a  hope, expectation, or belief. In the end we feel justified in feeling separate from or resentful, if the other person doesn't meet our expectations.

Look for your expectations in all your connections. Often they are hidden below the surface. After denying any expectations about someone, try this way to bring these to the surface. Say to yourself, "If I did have some expectations concerning this person that I am not aware of, they would be ____________." Surprisingly, a few will often pop right into your mind.

Once you are able to put your expectations into words, they can be clearly spelled out for both of you to see. Unacknowledged expectations confuse and separate people. They also create a powerful resistance in those who we are trying to work with or live with. For example, if I expected a loved one to spend a certain amount of time with me each week, and that didn't happen, I might feel disappointed. Even if I tried to hide my disappointment, my friend would sense it. Either he would spend less time than ever with me, or, if he did meet my expectation just to keep peace between us, I would be even more disappointed that I got the requested time but did not experience the compassionate connection from heart and mind I had anticipated.

No matter how ridiculous our expectations may sound, or how foolish we feel in acknowledging them, it takes only a moment of discomfort to do so. I often start by saying, "I know this may sound ridiculous to you, but I've discovered that I expect ____________ will happen when we are together. You don't have to respond to my expectation; but I feel much better expressing it." This clears the air. I also may acknowledge that my expectation is probably influenced by a movie, my early childhood, or a dream. Who knows where our expectations come from?

In an intimate relationship, be as specific as possible about what you expect. State exactly how you would know you were loved, valued, appreciated, respected, or other hidden hopes. In a relationship with a coworker, share your vision of working together in harmony and with effectiveness.

When you become aware of someone else's expectation of you, ask yourself whether you would enjoy fulfilling that expectation. Half-hearted efforts to meet each other's expectations are worse than no effort. They use up energy and miss the target. It takes much more energy to connect merely to meet someone's expectations. We end up "foot-dragging"- we drag our feet in getting dressed, completing a project, or coming home earlier merely to meet someone else's expectation. If foot-dragging becomes a habit, we start believing it is a normal way to live.

Our expectations of ourselves get us into just as much trouble. They are blinders that limit us to tunnel vision. We can't be spontaneous and creative because we can only see the outcome we expect. Who can think creatively when conflict could be just around the corner? We are at our most creative when we can accept whatever comes. That’s when delightful surprises begin to happen.

What if you went to bed tonight saying, I wonder what delightful surprises will occur tomorrow! Be curious and imagine several. Then plan a few surprises for other people. Describe to a loved one, a specific noble quality they have that you always enjoy! Humor, open-hearted, knowledge, wisdom, understanding are a few examples. Recall two or three times of seeing this quality expressed.

In the meantime be on the lookout for the next two weeks. They are drawn in by this warming up exercise. Surprises will come. Do not judge them too quickly as good or bad. Learn to enjoy the wisdom offered in every surprise. Accept their gifts cheerfully. 

1.       List several expectations (spoken or unspoken) that you have for special relationships, such as to be appreciated, listened to, understood.

2.       Try seeing these expectations as something you made up in the past. Memories are misleading in that we either remember being wise and loving or else unloving and self-serving. There is a grain of truth in both directions, but the errors we make in relationships usually fall within my 3% margin of error.

3.       Imagine delightful surprises are circling overhead, just waiting for a chance to land when you cross off some expectations and make room for another surprise to land.

 

Chapter 4

Beyond Self-Discipline: Savoring Spontaneous Moments

At times we struggle for more self-discipline and resolve to push ourselves harder. Often it is not us, but our situation that needs changing. The less a relationship causes your spirits to rise, the more self-discipline it requires. A connection that is filled with spontaneous moments of delight is always energizing.

Sometimes we may need self-discipline just to get up in the morning, organize her day, and eat breakfast, much less to issue a cheerful greeting for each family member. Even a morning exercise program can be challenging. Excessive self-pushing can become punishing to you and to others. If you find yourself caught in a grind of pressure to keep going, you can call a halt. Rather than wait until you are exhausted and restless, stop and ask your true Self to show you a new path to enjoy exactly what you are doing at each moment.  This is the Self that is so easily ignored and forgotten in the Western culture of materialism. It has the wisdom, knowledge, access to universal love and understanding, that this Self is the wisest consultant for every possible situation and relationship. Ask and wait. This Self inevitably responds.

Ask yourself what would happen if you stopped forcing yourself into lifeless relationships. If you are involved in a project or a relationship with a clear, shared goal that you want to accomplish, some special effort is worth the effort. In this case by holding the goal in mind, you can work cheerfully. This is when 20 percent self-discipline will sustain the rhythm when your energy flags.

If you find a project turns out to be 99% drudgery and self-discipline, you might say, "I thought I could contribute to this project, but I have lost interest in it.” This acknowledgment will not be a surprise to anyone; they will be relieved at your honesty, and glad to bring in someone else.

Consider responsibly removing yourself from joyless activities like “I have to do this,” and a stream of energy then can invigorate your life. When the door of a dark room is opened, light inevitably pours in. Creative energy grows brighter. In this atmosphere new ideas appear. You see a higher purpose for your life. Whether you are shoveling snow off your car, teaching your child to spell, or planning a sanctuary for birds, joy fills your heart.

Ask for moments of inspiration, of clear-seeing, of recognizing abilities in yourself you have never acknowledged. Set an ongoing intention to be receptive to lighthearted impulses. Welcome spontaneous ideas. They offer opportunities to recognize the nobility within you, and as a result to be able to recognize it in others.

You may appear to others to be working longer and harder than ever, but to you the work you are doing may seem like play. First, use your imagination and visualize your present work becoming more like play than work. Add color and sound to the scene. Soon, you may find yourself engaged in conversations that engage heart, mind, and spirit.

1.       Recall a situation in which you did act with spontaneous inspiration without the least need for self-discipline, in which the result was joyful, far-reaching and satisfying for everyone involved. Remember your sense of deeper purpose as you acted, and how much fun you had.

2.       Examine one area in your life in which you are using a hefty amount of self-discipline to keep going. (It could be your fitness program, your sleep, your budget, or certain friendships.) Set an intention to see new ideas that transform duty into cheerfully fulfilling your true responsibilities.

 

3.       Create a scene mentally that fits this picture. Note how this change of attitude might affect you and others. Ask yourself if this change did happen, what might happen next? And if that came to pass, what would be the effect?

 

Chapter 5
Beyond Fixed Positions: Increasing Flexibility

It seems perfectly normal to consider our beliefs as true. We lock in our beliefs and hold fixed positions on everything from finance and politics to education and religion. An example might be to believe people are friendly and always want to help you. If this is your belief, you will automatically interpret others’ actions as proving your belief. If someone occasionally refuses to allow you entrance into a fast freeway, you would “know” that he just didn’t see you. If, on the other hand, you know that people are only self-serving, you would know that you have to fight your way to get on the freeway. When someone slows to open a space, you would hesitate so long that the opportunity presented would be gone. 

If we lose flexibility in our beliefs, these thought/images crystallize in our brain. We find ourselves controlled by our fixed positions. If we should decide that an employee or friend is irresponsible-and lose the flexibility to see that person as responsible 99% of the time-then no matter how hard he tried to prove his worth, we would continue to find him irresponsible.

Once you take the position that your husband or wife loves you deeply and has only your best interests at heart, each day will further prove exactly what you expect. In this case your position will call forth the best in the other one. A client with this belief about her traveling husband told me: “If he calls me at 2:00 a.m. from a distant time zone, it proves that he loves me so much he couldn't wait until the next morning. If he doesn’t call for a couple of days, I know his love for me prevented him from interrupting my sleep.”    

If we lose mental flexibility, our thoughts become beliefs, then certainties. They form a wall that separates us from others. When this happens we miss out on potential friendships with delightful, intelligent, and caring people who have set beliefs that don’t match ours.

We can trap ourselves in any set positions. The more we defend them, the more likely we are to hang on to them past their usefulness. We hesitate to change because we feel foolish throwing away a belief we have staunchly defended for years. It's hard to admit-or even believe-that positions we cling to with conviction today may need greater light six months from now.

Look at some strong positions you have held for a long time. You will probably find that they fall into two broad categories: those we experience as the truth for us-even though they may not be true for someone else-and those we have adopted from outside our own experience. The ones we know, from our own experience, we don't even bother to defend (e.g., "My relationship with my wife works better when she fells independent, strong, and powerful." "I feel better when I exercise outdoors." " I feel peaceful and calm in the mountains"). Ironically, the positions that are less central are the ones we get stubborn about (e.g., "All women should enjoy being mothers" or "Men have always been controlled by women").

Whenever you find yourself rigidly defending an idea or an action, think of a tall pine tree in the wind, all of its branches swaying. The trunk leans a little, yet the roots remain firmly fixed, giving it stability even in high winds. You can learn to sway in powerful winds of change with no fear of losing your balance or of disturbing your deep roots.

We generally cling to a particular belief because it is familiar and comfortable, often family related, or because we follow others’ authority. Practice listening carefully in order to learn from others’ viewpoints. Then concentrate on the higher truth to support.

You'll discover the wide range of views people have of the world, many sprung from the roots of intuitive knowledge. As you regain your natural flexibility and find fresh stimulation and enthusiasm in your relationship, you will suddenly see ideas and possibilities that were invisible before.

You can learn to evaluate your own cherished positions and to appreciate opposing views by playing a simple game. Choose an issue in which you and a friend have opposite positions. Agree to take each other’s position for six minutes. Perhaps you hold opposing and fixed ideas about politics. Sit down together and try convincing the other person how fine his political party is while he defends your political beliefs with the same enthusiasm. At first it will feel very strange to hear yourself making such "untrue" statements, but your friend is suffering from the same identity crisis. Soon you may notice that you can take his position and realize some of your statements are true. This game is fun; it extends each player’s mental/emotional flexibility and builds in a calm, balanced mind and emotions

1.       Think of a recent time when you took a strong stand on an issue. What was the result of this stance? Was this particular position useful to you at one point in your life?

2.       Now consider the reason you took this fixed position. How might you make the same point, yet be open and flexible enough to allow new refinements? How have your personal experiences already expanded your original stand on that issue?

3.       Replay the situation you chose in step 1 in your mind. This time, imagine yourself with a more open approach that allows you to expand or alter your position the next time it comes up.

 

Chapter 6

Beyond Forgiveness: Reinterpreting and Releasing the Past

Imagine a child who spends long hours laboriously building a house of cards with his friends. The house proves unstable and trembles at approaching footsteps eventually collapsing. No one needs to be forgiven for the house's downfall. Wiser from their experience the children enthusiastically start building a new house with a stronger foundation.

Whatever we cannot forgive interrupts the flow of our lives. If we feel like victims we spend our precious time and energy mulling over what happened.

Our most intense and frequent thoughts are reflected back to us by other people. If we are unwilling to forgive mistakes, our own and others’ unwise actions, we become separated from virtually everyone. The secret of forgiving is to set a different frame around a disturbing incident. Let’s say you feel guilty about something that happened yesterday. What if you realized that the mistake was well within your 3% margin of error.

Think of an event in your life, whether yesterday or years ago, when you felt that someone took advantage of you. Ask yourself what was your first inkling that things might not turn out as you wanted? Was there something you thought of doing about it but decided not to do? Be precise about the moment you decided not to take any action—and just take a chance that things would work out. Did you think, "I had better check this man's story?" Or, "maybe I should get this in writing." Or, "I have a hunch this woman is leading me on…." The moment you delayed appropriate action was the point at which you might have changed the undesirable outcome, but didn't. Find those moments when your action might have made a difference, and it is easier to forgive. When we don't acknowledge our part in the outcome of a situation, we have more difficulty in letting it go.

Once you realize that you participated (in no matter how small a way) in setting up the unwanted outcome, you can reinterpret and release the event. Only by seeing the situation differently can you digest the kernel of wisdom gained and toss away the shell in which it was delivered. Think how funny you would look walking downs a street with your pockets bulging with empty pecan shells. Each situation that requires forgiveness is like a pecan shell. Once you crack it open and take out the nut of wisdom inside, you can throw away the shell.

If you feel anger toward yourself you'll forgive yourself as soon as you realize you are wiser now and won't make that mistake again. Once you are convinced the situation won't be repeated-whoosh-you can forgive yourself-just like that. One act of forgiveness to yourself can set off a chain reaction; soon you will find yourself forgiving others as well. If one experience of forgiveness can give you a new start in a relationship, ten can catapult you into true delight. When you forgive others you also give a gift to yourself. Suddenly there are no villains and no victims-only people who are free to choose wisely and well the next time. 

1.       For practice, try one small act of forgiveness. Write the end result of a situation that made you angry (e.g., "He just hung up"; "She left without saying a word")

2.       When did you have your first inkling that the situation might not work out as you wanted? What action did you consider taking before you decided to take a chance that everything would work out right. Did you think, "Well, maybe I should call him back.” Or, "I wonder if I should talk to her and find out what is wrong?"

3.       Describe what you decided instead of taking the action you considered. "No, I hate to seem supersensitive." Or, "What if she makes demands? I'll just wait it out and hope for the best. "If you have any difficulty seeing how you helped to set yourself up as a victim, ask a friend to listen and help you look for clues while you reenact the situation.

4.       Describe what you feel about the situation now, as you see the action you might have taken and didn't. You may not by sure whether your input could have changed the outcome, but even the slightest doubt, once acknowledged, will shift you away from feeling like a victim.

 

 

Chapter 7

Beyond Compromise: Expanding the Range of Choices

Imagine the stress between two furniture movers, who disagree on the best way to lift a piano into their van, valiantly struggling to balance the piano in their arms while they work out a compromise. Compromise is an art that can be essential between two or more people. But when you are tempted to settle for a compromise that creates distance between you and others, pause and examine some other ways.

Instead of believing that you are in an “either this-or that” situation, try out some new choices. In a business or personal conflict, look beyond the immediate problem and ask your higher mind what you are learning in this situation. Identify in words the higher purpose of this relationship. As soon as you identify the true purpose, new choices that were circling overhead may become visible to you.

With a sense of goodwill and cooperation, rather than simply giving in to keep peace, many ideas can stream into your mind. Look for the action that might transform the whole situation into one of shared enthusiasm.

First, use your creative imagination to invoke a surprisingly and mutually delightful choice. From a spirit of adventure be creative and playful. Expect new ideas to emerge. Each time you ask for new insights and understanding, more choices may pop up. They arise from your life experiences when you let go of automatic, familiar ways.

 Explore three or four new choices. Examine all options, meet with the other/others, and share these new possibilities.

1.       Think of a situation in your life that could be improved through expanding your range of choices.

2.       Lie down and imagine that you are gently swinging in a hammock strung between two trees by the side of a lake. As you lie there gently swinging in the breeze, feel the sun warm your face. Allow yourself to go into a deeper and deeper state of relaxation. As your mind becomes still, you will be even more receptive to new choices. It is as if you were inviting ideas to come floating into your mind, just as the leaves occasionally fall from the trees above you.

3.       Let the sun be a symbol for the best possible choices for everyone involved in the situation. It’s OK to fall asleep for a moment. The new choices will be there when you awaken.

 

 

Chapter 8

Beyond Present Possibilities: Exploring a Larger You

Most of the images we hold about ourselves are false. If we hang on to these, an inner conflict begins, swinging us one way and then to the opposite direction. The solution is to ask to see beyond the personality’s conflict and recognize the path that embraces the greatest illumination.

The shining jewel of all connections is with your true self, An enriched, empowered life results from the greater light received through connecting with this wise, loving, powerful part of your beng. This Self illuminates your thoughts, stimulates your mind and heart. It deepens your connections with all life and step by step reveals the power, beauty, and love of the Universe.

We move out of the dim light of our “little self’ when we connect with our higher self. Dare to explore this self that exists beyond the personality life. It brings the freedom to initiate a far richer and deeper relationship with yourself. Most people find that exploring this larger, brighter, wiser self, fulfills a lifelong yearning within. The effect upon their lives is enriching and empowering on every level. If you are willing to cooperate with your higher self and explore the inner stillness that enables you to recognize its guidance, experience the wonder of the Universe and of all life.